15 Lies Men Believe About Sex
Lie No. 2: Good Sex/Bad Sex? It’s up to him.
This is one of the most oppressive lies in western male culture. This lie is told in movies, porn, popular culture, music, books and even unwittingly reinforced by many in the sexuality education world. It tends to go hand in hand with the first lie about rules for good sex. The lie goes like this: if it’s great, he can take the credit; if it’s bad, he’s to blame. He’s responsible for everyone’s happiness.
Deconstructing this lie is almost overwhelming. The pressure on men to live up to this lie is almost always what causes Sexual Dysfunction in younger men. Sex stops becoming play and becomes a performance; judged just like the Olympics. I’ve had men insist that they just know the woman they are having sex with his is judging him and comparing him to every man she’s ever known. If he doesn’t stay hard for hours, if he doesn’t become a human jackhammer, if he doesn’t deliver innumerable earth-shattering orgasms, he is a failure.
The truth is, everyone is responsible for his/her own good time; you ask for what you need and your partner delights in giving it to you. One of the biggest sexual battles fought during the 20th Century was the right for a woman to own her sexuality. Right alongside the freedom to have sex without fear of pregnancy, women were finally allowed to own their own orgasms. Betty Dodson, probably the greatest sex pioneer of our era has been fighting for this her whole life. Women are responsible for their own orgasms! Women need to ask for what they need to get their own orgasm, it’s not the guy’s job to guess.
Sex is not something a guy does to a woman. Sex is not where a guy shows off. Sex is not success or failure. Sex is not a performance art. Sex is not trial by jury.
Sex is play. Sex is a team activity. Sex is a journey of discovery. Sex is laughter. Sex is simple. Sex is mysterious. Sex is animalistic/spiritual/silly/fun. You get the idea. Sex is all of these things.
This concept should be very freeing to every man who has sex with women! He is no longer responsible! It’s not his fault! He doesn’t have to guess, figure out, pretend, or make it up anymore. Sex now becomes a wonderful playtime of give and take and sharing. Giving everyone a share in the creation of the experience is far more fulfilling.
When a guy can trust his partner to communicate openly and ask for what he/she wants, he is no longer performing. He is giving and sharing; that’s a whole lot less stress. One of the greatest gifts one human can give another is the space to express who he/she is sexually! Sex is no longer his job. It is their play!