“Men are way more into dick than women are!” I tell a lot of guys that. Some of them get what I’m saying right away. Others think  I’ve just accused them of being gay. Either way, I get their attention.

We men are often clueless about a lot of things – OK, most things. One of the more interesting realizations I’ve come to is that men love penises far more than women do. We men think our penis is the best invention ever. Look at all the cool things it can do! Look at all the cool places we can stick it! Look at all different ways it can feel good! Who could possibly not think our penis was the best toy in the whole world?  Women.

Sometimes it seems to me that women put up with our penis because our penis makes us so happy. I had a friend who was looking at some artistic photographs of nudes with his wife. He was shocked to learn that she did not find male genitals beautiful – in fact she told him she thought they reminded her of “turkey giblets”.  He couldn’t believe. He figured that men love looking at women’s genitals – surely women must love looking at men’s junk!  Maybe…..maybe not.

But when a guy has an erect penis, surely women must love them! After all, she is usually the one who caused that wonderful response! Well…not so fast. I was talking to Betty Dodson, the legendary sex goddess,  recently about my work with men with erectile dysfunction and she said “When will men get it through their heads that sex has nothing to do with an erect penis!” I didn’t even know how to respond to her.  This was blasphemy! By definition: Sex is an erect penis entering a bodily orifice. Right?  Ask a woman. Go ahead! Ask a woman to define sex.  Unfortunately for us guys, she might not even mention a penis when it comes to sex.

We men can’t imagine sex without an erection. I’ve found that many women are perfectly happy to have sex without an erection. In fact, when it comes to dealing with a limp penis and sex, it turns out that women are FAR more adventurous sexually than men are.

For example, apparently many women are perfectly happy to perform oral sex on a limp penis. Many men I’ve talked to are reticent to let their partners do this. The level of shame associated with ED is immense and, quite often, men feel this is admitting defeat or settling for something less than sex. The truth is, it can be better than erect sex.

According to some women, oral sex with a flaccid penis is best. They do not gag, it is more gentle, more loving, more intimate and they enjoy the experience much more. Believe it or not, porn is not a documentary and women truly do not want to be gagging and gasping for breath while he pounds their throat.

With a limp penis, she tends to feel in charge and has far more control. She can focus tongue action on the frenulum. If she pushes the penis in and out with her tongue he’s going to experience a whole new amazing sensation.  Roll the penis around in the mouth. Avoid the traditional pumping motion and go for a more massaging concept. Sometimes guys can’t let themselves relax and enjoy it to the point of orgasm, but when they do, it is incredibly intense.

Many couples find the experience is often very intimate – far beyond a traditional blow job. This isn’t just for the guy with ED. This is also a great activity for after an orgasm when he’s waiting to rest up and get hard again. Many guys have learned they can be multi-orgasmic this way.

Even though we may find our penis a source of never-ending fascination, remember that women do not always share our enthusiasm.  As one woman told me – “I love him. His penis just happens to be part of the package, it’s not the main event!”

There were two articles in the news this past week about erectile dysfunction that caught my eye.  The first was in the Huffington Post:  “Erectile Dysfunction: Why it May Be a Sign that He Really Is Into You.”* Writer Alexandra Katehakis talks about men who have some pretty strong feelings of attraction and wanting to please, connect,  and impress their partner, might find themselves in some pretty limp moments. The second article was a study released in Sweden and couples in fertility treatment who are required to have intercourse at specific moments in order to conceive.  Months of that performance pressure lead to ED (for 10% of the men, it also lead to affairs). In both of the situations, stress is the culprit.

A quick anatomy lesson: the erectile tissue in the penis is like a sponge. The little holes in the sponge are lined with muscles that stay contracted preventing blood from filling these holes like water balloons – resulting in a flaccid penis. When those muscle cells relax, the balloons fill up with blood and create an erection. What hormone governs these muscles, keeping them contracted and keeping the blood out?  Adrenaline.

We all know what adrenaline feels like – it can be the thrill of a roller coaster or the terror of public speaking. Any situation that creates a secretion of adrenaline will result in a limp penis – you can not fight or run with a raging boner! Stress, worry, fear, anxiety, and frustration all cause secretion of adrenaline. The anxiety of trying to please a partner, the anxiety about getting an erection, and the anxiety from life in general can all cause a penis to go, or stay, limp.

I have a friend who describes dealing with ED as having a train wreck in his mind. One small limp moment can lead to a derailed, jumbled up mess that never seems to get back on track. Constantly thinking “Is it gonna work?” just leads to trouble. Every guy has experienced this to some degree. For most guys, a successful episode or two puts the disaster out of their mind.

Katehakis urges partners (in this case, women) to not blame themselves. There is a tendency, it seems, for some women to assume they are not attractive enough, or sexy enough, or (fill-in-the-blank) enough. Interestingly, guys blame themselves for not being studly enough. It occurrs to me that there must be very few instances in life where both parties take the blame for something that is neither one’s fault.

Getting out of this rut, out of this train wreck, out of this pit of personal hell, can be a daunting task. Turning sex back into blissful play, with no performance pressure, has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world for men. Many men begin to dread sex because of the string of failures they feel they have had.

I encourage guys to rethink what “sex” is. That word alone is so loaded with baggage, it is a wonder any of us have great “sex.”  Is it Penis-In-Vagina? Is it Penis-In-Orifice? Is it Penis-In-Anything at all? Interestingly, lesbians have been having great sex with their partners with no penis for millions of years…how DO they do that?

I have a friend, Sean Christopher, at www.orgasmicguy.com who likes to avoid the term “making love” due to the mental pressure it puts on all of us, and uses the term “naked relating” a lot. I think that is a great place to start. It’s good advice for everyone – even if you don’t experience ED. Get naked, start relating, start laughing, start having fun. Forget about making love – heck, forget about having sex too. Get naked and just relate. See what happens.

*http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alexandra-katehakis-mft/erectile-dysfunction_b_1515526.html

For the umpteenth time, I did a Google search.  How hard could it be? Page, after page, after page.  Mostly ads. A lot of scams.  A lot of far-fetched promises.  Just the same advertisements, the same pseudo-medical sites, the same snake-oil salesmen. The same old bullshit.

I was 47 and 9 months out from prostate cancer surgery and getting a bit worried. Oh, I was cancer free. That was the least of my worries. It was the other issue that was bothering me. THAT issue. The one no one likes to talk about – ED. It had been a rollercoaster of a ride – a week here and there of almost like old times, then nothing. What was going on?  There was a small amount of progress, sure, but nothing like I had been promised by my surgeon. What was going on?

I had a million questions and was looking for someplace to ask them. I figured I just had to be searching wrong. There were a million support sites for Prostate Cancer. There had to be a ton of sites for the millions of men who had sexual issues.   I searched again: “ED,”  “ED Support,” “ED help,” “ED Forums,” “ED questions.” Nothing came up.

Oh, there were tons of sites promising help. There were Potions, powders, pills and pumps. The choices were overwhelming! Every silver bullet, every quick fix you could wish for was available for a simple click on Paypal.  Gingseng, Saw Palmetto, Horny Goat weed – you name it!

I had to be missing something.  I started asking for help. My wife is a media specialist librarian. I told her “I can’t find any sites for ED.” She laughed.  “No really!” I said.  “I can’t find anyplace that’s just a …you know…a regular site – with questions, and answers and real people.” She said she would check it out.

The next day she sent me an email telling me I was right. It seems that, indeed, there was no online community for men with sexual function issues.

So, to keep a long story short – I started a little website – www.FrankTalk.org –  at first just a discussion board. I told a few cancer sites about it and within the first week we had fifty guys on the boards posting. We were just a bunch of guys trying to figure out if what we were experiencing was normal (it was).  We wanted to know if there was hope (there was). Just to be able to talk about ED to someone who understood was the most amazing feeling.  The shared shame is a lot easier to bear.

So, that’s what started me on this trail. I never meant to do this. I never wanted to do this. I never dreamt I would do this. Sometimes I even regret doing this. But mostly, I love doing this.  And six years later? We’re  essentially the only active online community for men with ED.  Check it out!

It’s always nice to find a really good reason to encourage masturbation. The mental, emotional, and sexual benefits have long been known by most sexologists. But just last week, I was reminded of another very, very good reason for men to masturbate.

I was at a big event with friends. One of my guy friends came up to me, looked around and whispered, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

I love it when this happens. First, it means the conversation is finally going to become interesting. Second, it means that this person is taking a real risk and is going to be totally honest for a moment. “Sure,” I said.

“I was jacking off last night and blood came out.” He was scared. Who wouldn’t be? I pulled him into a quieter corner and asked him to tell me exactly what it looked like. Was there pain? Had he injured himself recently? Rough sex? First time it had ever happened? What about blood in urine?

I didn’t want to tell him that I was a little concerned too. Blood in semen is not a common event. It could be nothing. It could be prostatitis. It could be anything. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be much help. But I did call one of the urologists I have worked with and got him an appointment the next day. It ended being nothing to worry about.

But it reminded me again that we always need to be aware of what’s going on in our bodies as well as what’s coming out. Urine, feces, snot, ear wax, and even semen can all be clues to what’s going on inside our body.

I remember watching the movie, “The Last Emperor” and the young prince would defecate into a bowl and the court ministers would all sniff it to make sure he was healthy. It was kind of gross, actually, but occasionally examining what comes out of our bodies is a great habit to have – and that includes cum.

After all, if you’re masturbating, it’s pretty easy to do, and maybe you’re doing it already and not even realizing it! It does seem guys love to watch themselves cum. Take a moment every now and then to examine it. Sniff it. Even taste it!

A few years ago, I had an online conversation with a minister who bragged that he had never masturbated and that his wife had been the delighted recipient of every drop of semen he had produced since his wedding night. For some reason I found that concept revolting at several levels. It seemed to me as if his wife was, at times, almost a sexual spittoon. It also seems an awful responsibility to place on someone – making them the sole repository of your cum. It also bothered me that from his point of view, that was her job.

But I finally have the answer to WHY that behavior is not without risks. That man had not seen his cum in 40 years. He could have had bloody semen for years and never known it.

So, take care of your sexual health. Every now and then, examine your cum.