For some reason, in our culture, we tend to treat the penis as if it is not a fully integrated part of the male body. We seem to get annoyed if it doesn’t work just right even if we have been ignoring it, abusing it, or starving it! All the rules that apply to overall physical fitness, health, and nutrition apply to the reproductive system as much as to any other part of the body.

Most men tend to ignore their penis when it comes to physical fitness.  The penis and its surrounding organs and glands need regular care and exercise just like any other part of the body. Incorporate these three habits into your weekly routine and you will see almost immediate improvement in your erectile strength, durability, and ejaculation control.

It is highly unrealistic to think that after a week of ignoring your penis, it’s going to function perfectly well when you try to use it. Imagine using your arm once or twice a week; it would quickly atrophy to an almost useless appendage.

Cardio

If you remember nothing else, always remember that whatever is good for your heart is good for your penis. Good blood pressure, low blood sugar, low cholesterol, and low stress all benefit your penis.

The arteries in your penis that fill with blood are microscopic and easily get clogged with blood gunk long before other arteries do. Anything that hardens or weakens blood vessel walls will destroy the flexibility needed to expand with an erection. Stress closes off blood flow and also floods your system with adrenaline; these will both kill boners. Insulin resistance, caused by high blood sugar, will prevent Nitric-Oxide production, a key chemical in creating erections. A strong heart, healthy diet, and regular exercise are the first step to a healthy penis.

Kegels

Pelvic Floor Muscles are probably the most overlooked muscles in the human body – especially among men. Weak Pelvic Floor Muscles lead to back ache, bowel issues, urinary issues, erectile dysfunction, hemorrhoids (especially in weight lifters), and groin pain. Physical fitness buffs are notorious for having weak Pelvic Floor Muscles.

When these muscles are weak, they can easily cramp and go into spasm. In men, this is called Chronic Prostatitis (even though it has nothing to do with your prostate). The real name for this condition is Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome (CPPS). This condition is probably the most misdiagnosed condition in men’s health today. Many of my patients have been to dozens of doctors who all missed the cause of their problems. Treatment consists of Physical Therapy and lifestyle modifications.

Strong Pelvic Floor Muscles support the interior base of the penis and help control the angle of the erection. These muscles help trap the blood in the penis for stronger erections; in fact, these muscles are solely responsible for trapping the blood in the erectile tissue that makes up the head of the penis. These muscles are what help engorge the head of the penis right before ejaculation. Pelvic Floor Muscles also help with ejaculation control.

Kegel exercises are how pelvic floor muscles are strengthened and toned.  Kegels have long been recommended for women, but they are just as important for men. The exercises consist of clenching the muscles that stop urine flow as well as pulling the anus up into the body. The Private Gym (privategym.com) is the first program for men developed just for these muscles!  At first, it might be challenging. But quickly, you will find it easy. You can do these exercises anywhere at any time during the day.

Masturbation

Masturbation is like going to the gym for your penis. Of course, only good masturbation is good for your penis! The two-minute-quickie is actually really counterproductive to good erectile health.

You will be amazed that once you start training, how much more pleasurable masturbation becomes, and best of all, how much better partnered sex becomes! Masturbation as physical therapy requires a good lubricant (I recommend Coconut Oil), time, and a good workout technique.

At least twice a week, set aside 30-45 minutes for penile physical therapy. Take time to stretch out, warm up your whole body with a quick self-massage, then gradually begin to focus on your penis, stretching it gently, massaging it before it gets erect. Stimulate the entire pelvic region. Don’t just do the usual fist-pump technique, but change how you touch your penis frequently. Keep strokes slow and controlled.

The process of getting close to climax and then avoiding it is called ‘edging’.  Do at least three-four cycles of edging before ejaculating. This point of super engorgement is where you want your penis to learn to hang out; it gets the best blood flow during this stage. This practice also improves ejaculation control.

After you climax, don’t be in a rush to clean up and start your day. Continue to stimulate to see how long you can wring pleasurable sensations out of your body. Enjoy the feeling of tranquility and calm. Try to revisit that peaceful state throughout the rest of your day.

Masturbation like this is not ‘getting your rocks off’ but is an intentional exercise and workout of your reproductive system. This habit will enhance partnered sex dramatically!

All exercise regimes require commitment and diligence to work. Most guys find that masturbating is something they are already doing, so it is just a matter of improving the experience. Kegels can be done anywhere, so they should be easy to squeeze in. Cardio work should be part of every man’s life already – whether it is a pick-up game of basketball or running miles a week.

Try these simple additions to your physical and sexual workout and reap the rewards to a well-maintained reproductive system!

15 Lies Men Believe About Sex

Lie  No. 2: Good Sex/Bad Sex? It’s up to him.

This is one of the most oppressive lies in western male culture. This lie is told in movies, porn, popular culture, music, books and even unwittingly reinforced by many in the sexuality education world. It tends to go hand in hand with the first lie about rules for good sex. The lie goes like this: if it’s great, he can take the credit; if it’s bad, he’s to blame. He’s responsible for everyone’s happiness.

Deconstructing this lie is almost overwhelming. The pressure on men to live up to this lie is almost always what causes Sexual Dysfunction in younger men. Sex stops becoming play and becomes a performance; judged just like the Olympics. I’ve had men insist that they just know the woman they are having sex with his is judging him and comparing him to every man she’s ever known. If he doesn’t stay hard for hours, if he doesn’t become a human jackhammer, if he doesn’t deliver innumerable earth-shattering orgasms, he is a failure.

The truth is, everyone is responsible for his/her own good time; you ask for what you need and your partner delights in giving it to you. One of the biggest sexual battles fought during the 20^th Century was the right for a woman to own her sexuality. Right alongside the freedom to have sex without fear of pregnancy, women were finally allowed to own their own orgasms. Betty Dodson, probably the greatest sex pioneer of our era has been fighting for this her whole life. Women are responsible for their own orgasms! Women need to ask for what they need to get their own orgasm, it’s not the guy’s job to guess.

Sex is not something a guy does to a woman. Sex is not where a guy shows off. Sex is not success or failure. Sex is not  a performance art. Sex is not trial by jury.

Sex is play. Sex is a team activity. Sex is a journey of discovery. Sex is laughter. Sex is simple. Sex is mysterious. Sex is animalistic/spiritual/silly/fun. You get the idea. Sex is all of these things.

This concept should be very freeing to every man who has sex with women! He is no longer responsible! It’s not his fault! He doesn’t have to guess, figure out, pretend, or make it up anymore. Sex now becomes a wonderful playtime of give and take and sharing. Giving everyone a share in the creation of the experience is far more fulfilling.

When a guy can trust his partner to communicate openly and ask for what he/she wants, he is no longer performing. He is giving and sharing; that’s a whole lot less stress. One of the greatest gifts one human can give another is the space to express who he/she is sexually! Sex is no longer his job. It is their play!

15 Lies Men Believe About Sex

Lie #1:    There are rules for good sex

Men love rules. It’s understandable, they grew up with them: Rules of the playground, rules in sports, rules of the Guy Code, rules for clubs. As men get older, they follow rules for roommates, friendships, dating, business, and yes, even sex. How many times did James Bond say “I make it a rule to …..”?  Wow! Rules are cool! Rules help us look decisive, confident, assured and totally put together.

We rely on rules. In fact, life is a lot easier if you follow rules; you rarely have to make a decision on your feet. Guess work is eliminated. Life’s major pitfalls can be avoided if you have a rulebook. If a guy follows rules, he can feel he’s doing it right – whatever ‘it’ is.

So, when it comes to sex, it makes sense that there should be rules. After all, sex is complicated, awkward, rife with pitfalls, and if a guy wants to be successful in sex, he needs every bit of help he can get. Rules seem like a great solution. If he follows the rules of good sex, it is guaranteed to be good and he can feel like a stud!

The problem with rules is that, while they can make sex seem safer and more predictable, they eventually lead to frustration, stress and boredom. Sex rules lock you in to a set pattern of behavior, response, arousal, activity and climax. All partners involved follow the game plan and, unless the rules are radically changed, the game dos not change much.

I talked to one couple who had been together only three years and they were embarrassed to admit that sex had become boring. The man was very frustrated.  “I tried to do all the things I’d heard about to keep her happy and satisfied,” he said. “I know I was doing it all right. What more does she want?”

What they had missed was that sex is just play. And when play is governed by too many rules, it gets really tiring. I use the analogy of the sandbox. Sex is a lot like playing in a sandbox. When you were put in the sandbox, no one told you how to play. You just played. No one told you that you had to make roads, or castles, or holes,  in a specific sequence or place; you just did whatever your imagination told you to try. However, as I think about it, I suppose there were a few rules:  Don’t throw sand and don’t hurt each other. I think those are good rules for sex too.

Sex is two people playing with each other’s body and making it up as they go. They need lots of communication, lots of laughter, and lots and lots of imagination. They can do anything they want: Either partner can initiate sex, they can have sex wherever and whenever they want, they can be naked or clothed, they can change roles, they can climax or not, they can have intercourse or not, they can use toys, they can role-play, sex can be short or long, the list is endless. There simply are no rules except what they make up for that moment.

Life and sex can be much scarier without rules, but an awful lot more fun. Sex is a journey; a unique experience created by two people in the moment. There are no rules to what sex looks like. Ignore every sex rule you’ve ever heard – even the well intentioned rules from sexperts! But on second thought, you might want to keep the two rules from the sandbox: Don’t throw sand; don’t hurt each other.

How many guys have memorized the stats of the favorite teams or athletes? How many guys memorize the chords and lyrics to favorite songs? How many guys study to learn every cheat in a computer game? Then why don’t we study sex?  Most people insist that sex is really important to them – yet they never spend any time actually studying and learning about it beyond the tips they can pick up in a 500 word blog!

Sex education simply does not exist in this country. What most of us got in school was really Reproduction Education, or STD Education, or Puberty Education. Certainly no one ever taught us about preparing for sex or how to have sex! No one taught us how to touch ourselves. No one mentioned how to touch each other. No one gave us skills to talk about sex.

Most parents still don’t talk to their kids about sex. Many of my patients report that the only parental advice they ever got was “Don’t get anyone pregnant” and “Don’t get a disease”. No wonder we find sex difficult to talk about – we’ve never had anyone talk about it!

Most guys want to always have better sex. Most guys want to please their partners. But where does someone go for help?  The magazine rack is full of advice. The Internet is full of experts. Like everything else in life, some are good, many are awful. Be especially wary of people who want to sell you something. It’s difficult.

Believe it or not there is very little authentic, accurate information for men about how to have sex. Women have had a much better history of sex education. Pioneers like Betty Dodson have been teaching women how to have sex for decades. I think the reason there is no male equivalent is because we assume that just because a guy can ejaculate in a vagina, things are good to go! Nothing could be further from the truth!

I tell guys that in order to learn about sex, you must first throw out everything you already know about sex. So, I’m going to start by asking you to throw out a whole pile of untruths, lies, misinformation, bad thinking, and poor scholarship that you may believe about sex!

I made a series of fifteen of the most egregious lies I could think of which we, as a male population, tend to believe about sex. In order to make room for the new information, we need to toss out some old beliefs. Think of this as a sexual file dump!

After this, we’ll put start to rebuild a totally new way to think about sex which most men find liberating, rewarding, fun, and much easier. Once we learn how to think about sex, then we can get down to details such as specific ideas of touch, play, and erotic interaction.

Silence is how many men handle problems. It’s that classic guy thing to do – retreat to the cave and let it pass. When it comes to sexual issues, or sexuality in general, the temptation is even stronger to simply ignore it and it will go away. The problem is, there is usually someone else involved when it comes to sexual issues, and that person generally isn’t as inclined to ignore it.

You can’t blame guys for being hesitant about talking about sex problems. It seems the whole world snickers at the TV ads for ED drugs. What guy is then going to turn to his friends and admit he has ‘that’ problem?

I was talking to a man in my office the other day. He said he would never talk to his friends about issues with sex. I asked him what he would do if one of his friends came to him with a sexual problem. The guy looked at me and said, “I would die laughing!” He added, “Well, I might feel sorry for him, but heck, that’s what guys do.” I really felt sorry for this guy’s friends. So, I suppose we need to choose carefully whom we trust.

Taking that first step of reaching out for help can be terrifying. For many men, their lives and relationships are almost in ruins before they are willing to make that first step. Self-blame, guilt, embarrassment and this blow to their manhood can be paralyzing factors. Facing the fact that they need to get help often comes when they can’t avoid the issue any longer.

Many men will turn to the anonymity of the internet to seek help. This is a perfect setup for the scams and con-artists that are waiting for desperate men to stumble onto their promise of complete restoration of sexual virility. Men are often willing to pay anything, try anything and do anything to get their sex life back. This vulnerability is exactly what the hustlers are looking for.

Because of the code of silence, men tend to feel they are the only ones suffering with any sexual issue. They listen to their friends and it seems they are all doing really well sexually. The fact is, according to most sources, there are as many as one in three men with some type of sexual function issue. It can be premature ejaculation (the most common), ED, low libido, or just about anything at all.

Most men are amazed to discover that most of my patients are not elderly men. I have patients as young as 14, but the most common age is late 30s early 40s. These are guys in the prime of life and having sexual function issues is often devastating.

There are experts in sexual medicine who deal with these issues every day. The family practice physician is often the front line, but has the least training. Believe it or not, urologists don’t get much training in sexual medicine at all. So, it can take some real searching to find a sympathetic, knowledgeable doctor.

But don’t make the mistake of trying to ignore sexual problems – either medical or emotional. They don’t go away. They usually progressively get worse. You deserve to take care of yourself!

Ask for referrals if you aren’t getting the results you want. It might take some work, but you’re worth it!

Reaching out is the hardest step. Call your doctor. Guaranteed – no one is going to laugh.

“Men are way more into dick than women are!” I tell a lot of guys that. Some of them get what I’m saying right away. Others think  I’ve just accused them of being gay. Either way, I get their attention.

We men are often clueless about a lot of things – OK, most things. One of the more interesting realizations I’ve come to is that men love penises far more than women do. We men think our penis is the best invention ever. Look at all the cool things it can do! Look at all the cool places we can stick it! Look at all different ways it can feel good! Who could possibly not think our penis was the best toy in the whole world?  Women.

Sometimes it seems to me that women put up with our penis because our penis makes us so happy. I had a friend who was looking at some artistic photographs of nudes with his wife. He was shocked to learn that she did not find male genitals beautiful – in fact she told him she thought they reminded her of “turkey giblets”.  He couldn’t believe. He figured that men love looking at women’s genitals – surely women must love looking at men’s junk!  Maybe…..maybe not.

But when a guy has an erect penis, surely women must love them! After all, she is usually the one who caused that wonderful response! Well…not so fast. I was talking to Betty Dodson, the legendary sex goddess,  recently about my work with men with erectile dysfunction and she said “When will men get it through their heads that sex has nothing to do with an erect penis!” I didn’t even know how to respond to her.  This was blasphemy! By definition: Sex is an erect penis entering a bodily orifice. Right?  Ask a woman. Go ahead! Ask a woman to define sex.  Unfortunately for us guys, she might not even mention a penis when it comes to sex.

We men can’t imagine sex without an erection. I’ve found that many women are perfectly happy to have sex without an erection. In fact, when it comes to dealing with a limp penis and sex, it turns out that women are FAR more adventurous sexually than men are.

For example, apparently many women are perfectly happy to perform oral sex on a limp penis. Many men I’ve talked to are reticent to let their partners do this. The level of shame associated with ED is immense and, quite often, men feel this is admitting defeat or settling for something less than sex. The truth is, it can be better than erect sex.

According to some women, oral sex with a flaccid penis is best. They do not gag, it is more gentle, more loving, more intimate and they enjoy the experience much more. Believe it or not, porn is not a documentary and women truly do not want to be gagging and gasping for breath while he pounds their throat.

With a limp penis, she tends to feel in charge and has far more control. She can focus tongue action on the frenulum. If she pushes the penis in and out with her tongue he’s going to experience a whole new amazing sensation.  Roll the penis around in the mouth. Avoid the traditional pumping motion and go for a more massaging concept. Sometimes guys can’t let themselves relax and enjoy it to the point of orgasm, but when they do, it is incredibly intense.

Many couples find the experience is often very intimate – far beyond a traditional blow job. This isn’t just for the guy with ED. This is also a great activity for after an orgasm when he’s waiting to rest up and get hard again. Many guys have learned they can be multi-orgasmic this way.

Even though we may find our penis a source of never-ending fascination, remember that women do not always share our enthusiasm.  As one woman told me – “I love him. His penis just happens to be part of the package, it’s not the main event!”

There were two articles in the news this past week about erectile dysfunction that caught my eye.  The first was in the Huffington Post:  “Erectile Dysfunction: Why it May Be a Sign that He Really Is Into You.”* Writer Alexandra Katehakis talks about men who have some pretty strong feelings of attraction and wanting to please, connect,  and impress their partner, might find themselves in some pretty limp moments. The second article was a study released in Sweden and couples in fertility treatment who are required to have intercourse at specific moments in order to conceive.  Months of that performance pressure lead to ED (for 10% of the men, it also lead to affairs). In both of the situations, stress is the culprit.

A quick anatomy lesson: the erectile tissue in the penis is like a sponge. The little holes in the sponge are lined with muscles that stay contracted preventing blood from filling these holes like water balloons – resulting in a flaccid penis. When those muscle cells relax, the balloons fill up with blood and create an erection. What hormone governs these muscles, keeping them contracted and keeping the blood out?  Adrenaline.

We all know what adrenaline feels like – it can be the thrill of a roller coaster or the terror of public speaking. Any situation that creates a secretion of adrenaline will result in a limp penis – you can not fight or run with a raging boner! Stress, worry, fear, anxiety, and frustration all cause secretion of adrenaline. The anxiety of trying to please a partner, the anxiety about getting an erection, and the anxiety from life in general can all cause a penis to go, or stay, limp.

I have a friend who describes dealing with ED as having a train wreck in his mind. One small limp moment can lead to a derailed, jumbled up mess that never seems to get back on track. Constantly thinking “Is it gonna work?” just leads to trouble. Every guy has experienced this to some degree. For most guys, a successful episode or two puts the disaster out of their mind.

Katehakis urges partners (in this case, women) to not blame themselves. There is a tendency, it seems, for some women to assume they are not attractive enough, or sexy enough, or (fill-in-the-blank) enough. Interestingly, guys blame themselves for not being studly enough. It occurrs to me that there must be very few instances in life where both parties take the blame for something that is neither one’s fault.

Getting out of this rut, out of this train wreck, out of this pit of personal hell, can be a daunting task. Turning sex back into blissful play, with no performance pressure, has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world for men. Many men begin to dread sex because of the string of failures they feel they have had.

I encourage guys to rethink what “sex” is. That word alone is so loaded with baggage, it is a wonder any of us have great “sex.”  Is it Penis-In-Vagina? Is it Penis-In-Orifice? Is it Penis-In-Anything at all? Interestingly, lesbians have been having great sex with their partners with no penis for millions of years…how DO they do that?

I have a friend, Sean Christopher, at www.orgasmicguy.com who likes to avoid the term “making love” due to the mental pressure it puts on all of us, and uses the term “naked relating” a lot. I think that is a great place to start. It’s good advice for everyone – even if you don’t experience ED. Get naked, start relating, start laughing, start having fun. Forget about making love – heck, forget about having sex too. Get naked and just relate. See what happens.

*http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alexandra-katehakis-mft/erectile-dysfunction_b_1515526.html

For the umpteenth time, I did a Google search.  How hard could it be? Page, after page, after page.  Mostly ads. A lot of scams.  A lot of far-fetched promises.  Just the same advertisements, the same pseudo-medical sites, the same snake-oil salesmen. The same old bullshit.

I was 47 and 9 months out from prostate cancer surgery and getting a bit worried. Oh, I was cancer free. That was the least of my worries. It was the other issue that was bothering me. THAT issue. The one no one likes to talk about – ED. It had been a rollercoaster of a ride – a week here and there of almost like old times, then nothing. What was going on?  There was a small amount of progress, sure, but nothing like I had been promised by my surgeon. What was going on?

I had a million questions and was looking for someplace to ask them. I figured I just had to be searching wrong. There were a million support sites for Prostate Cancer. There had to be a ton of sites for the millions of men who had sexual issues.   I searched again: “ED,”  “ED Support,” “ED help,” “ED Forums,” “ED questions.” Nothing came up.

Oh, there were tons of sites promising help. There were Potions, powders, pills and pumps. The choices were overwhelming! Every silver bullet, every quick fix you could wish for was available for a simple click on Paypal.  Gingseng, Saw Palmetto, Horny Goat weed – you name it!

I had to be missing something.  I started asking for help. My wife is a media specialist librarian. I told her “I can’t find any sites for ED.” She laughed.  “No really!” I said.  “I can’t find anyplace that’s just a …you know…a regular site – with questions, and answers and real people.” She said she would check it out.

The next day she sent me an email telling me I was right. It seems that, indeed, there was no online community for men with sexual function issues.

So, to keep a long story short – I started a little website – www.FrankTalk.org –  at first just a discussion board. I told a few cancer sites about it and within the first week we had fifty guys on the boards posting. We were just a bunch of guys trying to figure out if what we were experiencing was normal (it was).  We wanted to know if there was hope (there was). Just to be able to talk about ED to someone who understood was the most amazing feeling.  The shared shame is a lot easier to bear.

So, that’s what started me on this trail. I never meant to do this. I never wanted to do this. I never dreamt I would do this. Sometimes I even regret doing this. But mostly, I love doing this.  And six years later? We’re  essentially the only active online community for men with ED.  Check it out!

It’s always nice to find a really good reason to encourage masturbation. The mental, emotional, and sexual benefits have long been known by most sexologists. But just last week, I was reminded of another very, very good reason for men to masturbate.

I was at a big event with friends. One of my guy friends came up to me, looked around and whispered, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

I love it when this happens. First, it means the conversation is finally going to become interesting. Second, it means that this person is taking a real risk and is going to be totally honest for a moment. “Sure,” I said.

“I was jacking off last night and blood came out.” He was scared. Who wouldn’t be? I pulled him into a quieter corner and asked him to tell me exactly what it looked like. Was there pain? Had he injured himself recently? Rough sex? First time it had ever happened? What about blood in urine?

I didn’t want to tell him that I was a little concerned too. Blood in semen is not a common event. It could be nothing. It could be prostatitis. It could be anything. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be much help. But I did call one of the urologists I have worked with and got him an appointment the next day. It ended being nothing to worry about.

But it reminded me again that we always need to be aware of what’s going on in our bodies as well as what’s coming out. Urine, feces, snot, ear wax, and even semen can all be clues to what’s going on inside our body.

I remember watching the movie, “The Last Emperor” and the young prince would defecate into a bowl and the court ministers would all sniff it to make sure he was healthy. It was kind of gross, actually, but occasionally examining what comes out of our bodies is a great habit to have – and that includes cum.

After all, if you’re masturbating, it’s pretty easy to do, and maybe you’re doing it already and not even realizing it! It does seem guys love to watch themselves cum. Take a moment every now and then to examine it. Sniff it. Even taste it!

A few years ago, I had an online conversation with a minister who bragged that he had never masturbated and that his wife had been the delighted recipient of every drop of semen he had produced since his wedding night. For some reason I found that concept revolting at several levels. It seemed to me as if his wife was, at times, almost a sexual spittoon. It also seems an awful responsibility to place on someone – making them the sole repository of your cum. It also bothered me that from his point of view, that was her job.

But I finally have the answer to WHY that behavior is not without risks. That man had not seen his cum in 40 years. He could have had bloody semen for years and never known it.

So, take care of your sexual health. Every now and then, examine your cum.